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My brother called me slightly panicked. When I asked what was wrong, he said, “It’s Regan” (his four year old daughter). Without taking a breath he explained that she was dressing up that week for pre-school, and although that may not seem odd for some children, it was out of character for Regan. So, being the inquisitive dad that he is, he started to inquire about her abrupt change in dress. What he found out startled him. The reason she was behaving differently was, TAYLOR. Taylor was a four year old blond haired green-eyed Kid McDreamy who was responsible for changing Regan’s independent demeanor into, well, a school girl. My brother told me his concern was that she came home earlier in the week crying because TAYLOR had pulled her hair. Then only two days later, she is found putting on her “Sunday best” with her hair in two pig tails (more ammo for Taylor I presume) and adorning herself with her best pink costume jewelry. She was dressed and ready to impress Taylor. To be honest, I thought the whole incident was adorable; my brother, however, highly disagreed. He said, “My four year old is already in a domestic violent codependent relationship! So the question presented to me is how do I know when my child is old enough to date? Granted, my four year old niece is clearly not at an age in which the question of dating should even be considered. Nonetheless, the conversation with my brother, coupled with the question posed to me, stirred thoughts about relationships in general, and dating in particular. In fact, when I considered the question of age and dating more closely, I do not think that is the right question. I believe a better question is “how can I encourage my daughter/son to know who they are in our family so they will also know who they out of the family.” In other words, I suggest parents focus on identity formation more than age. Peers influence a teen's dating life, but parents and families need to have the final word. Families can provide support for their teens or add to the challenges they are already experiencing. Research shows that pre-teen and teenage girls who date and have parents who fight constantly are likely to have low self-esteem. Furthermore, girls who date early and have parents who are strict and emotionally distant are more likely to be depressed. Conversely, according to Kate Fogarty, a researcher at the University of Florida, teen girls with warm, strong relationships with their mothers and who were not involved in steady dating had higher grades than their romantically involved peers. Therefore, it is not a surprise that healthy, attentive families become the primary support for their teens. So my first piece of alleged wisdom is to give your children attention for being themselves not just for performance. Children want and need to feel secure around their parents and if they do they will be comfortable and secure around friends. Returning to the example of Regan, my brother’s daughter, the concern, then, is if Regan does not know who she is as a young girl, then the first pleasurable, affirming thing that comes along is who she becomes. Meaning, if that “thing” is a reputation for drinking too much or because she pitched a no-hitter then THAT becomes a part of her. So if Kid McDreamy shows up when Regan is 11 and his slang laced affirmations and attention towards her are being added to what she already believes about herself, then his props compliment her instead of falsely completes her. When they break up, she will be okay because she knows she is beautiful and whole without him. If Regan grew up without her identity being formed, then she may believe that without Kid McDreamy she is nothing and problems increase. It is important to define dating and boundaries long before the dating world becomes apart of your child’s life. Simply telling your child s/he can’t date until age 30 will not work. Actually, it will probably backfire on you. Be the first to bring up the dating/sex conversation instead of being caught off guard when your child comes to you. Remember many things are different today than they were 20 years ago or even ten years ago. It is important to keep this in mind while providing empathy for your pre-teen. Hopefully, you know your child better than anyone else, so base when you begin discussing dating and sex on your child’s readiness. However, I suggest (and much research supports) age 8 or 9 to start talking to your child. Before you talk to your child, if you are married/partnered then you two need to talk first. It is vital you two are on the same page. Once you are a united front, the talks with your child can ensue. That’s right – that is plural- not one talk, but many talks along the path of pre-teen and adolescent life. Talk to them about crushes, physical attraction, and sex. Let them know from the beginning what age you think is okay for dating or what you are looking for from them that will let you know they are ready to start dating. Be clear and candid about sex. Ask them questions to see how much they already know and to check and see if they have been misinformed. If you are uncomfortable with certain questions, let your child know that you don’t know how to answer the question but you will pursue the answer with your child. Once you decide the dating rules, make sure they are clear. Generally, teenagers speak and hear differently than adults, having the dating rules or objectives needed to achieve the next level of dating in writing might reduce miscommunication. One way to really breakdown the communication with your child is to judge
or overreact. It is important to encourage conversation and to maintain
an atmosphere of acceptance. So to create open airways it is best to share
your values and wishes for your child around dating and sex. Your tone
is vital. Your tone and body language will be louder to your teen than
your words so keep it cool and remain calm.
Regan is seven years old today. Kid McDreamy is long gone. My brother and his wife are doing an excellent job of encouraging her to be herself. Regan recently told me she is tired of people telling her how beautiful she is! I hope she is still that confident at age 14. By the way, her parents started dating when they were 14 and got married when they were 24! So give your children the gift of acceptance, and if you can, accept their boyfriends (girlfriends). You never know they just might be in life for a long, long time! Kim Honeycutt, MSW, LCSW, CCFC, LCAS Resources Teenage Dating Abuse: Loveisrespect.org 1.866.331.9474 |
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